I’ll have to drive all the way home and back before I can use this program?”
“Don’t be silly. If you forgot your car keys you’ll have to take the bus.”
MALE AND FEMALE BEHAVIOR
The behavioral differences between males and females don’t really
become apparent until the competitive hormone races start at
puberty. At this point, the males develop an inordinate interest in football
and making strange noises without using their mouths. Conversely, females become fascinated with conversation and memorize all 65, 536 colors, including the 4,286 that are not visible to the naked eye.
Scientists who study human behavior
(called human behavior scientists) have
determined that male and female behavior is
so different that it is impossible for anyone to
understand the behavior of the opposite sex.
Which, in practical terms, is a good thing. This
is because the brain has a limited capacity for
understanding. Forcing it beyond that capacity would result in Xtreme Competitive Hormone
Races. Believe me, there’s nothing worse than
hormones racing around on skateboards,
jumping over capillaries, sliding down nephrons
and doing 720s in the semi-circular canals. (
Although the Nephron Sliders would be another
good name for a rock band.) The divergent
behavior between males and females can be
seen in the grocery store while purchasing
bathroom tissue. Females buy it by the case.
Males buy it, if possible, by the sheet.
Actually, men aren’t quite that bad.
Generally, they keep one roll in reserve. Thus,
they buy a roll at a time. Ladies, if you see an
interesting man in the grocery store buying
just one roll of tissue, you can be sure that
he’s single. However, if he’s buying two rolls,
that indicates one of two things. Either he
ate some bad oysters recently or else he
completely ran out. (Which means that he may
be getting his shower curtain dry-cleaned.)
More than two rolls means that there’s a lady
in the house. Act accordingly.
Another behavioral difference is in wrapping presents. Women have an innate ability
to take any package and wrap it without any
visible seams and without any adhesive tape
at all. It doesn’t make any difference if
the package is square, round, cylindrical, or
articulated. Before you can read that it was
Made in China, it’s perfectly wrapped.
Surprisingly, men — even with their
experience in using tools for repairing cars,
toasters, and plugged plumbing — are simply
incapable of wrapping any present. The paper
gets wrinkled, the seams are crooked, and it’s
all held together with three rolls of duct tape.
Take my neighbor, for example (and I’m
not making this up). He was a brain surgeon.
And a good one, too. I had the occasion to
observe him as he tried to wrap a sweater that
was in a box. He looked like he had never held scissors before. He actually cut off a piece of his shirt while holding the wrapping paper against
his chest while cutting. There were a number of places on the “finished”
present where the tape was sticky side out and the paper was the wrong
side in. Lastly, embedded in the tape, were several large tufts of chest
Humans are the only animals that deliberately choose to ignore warnings and proceed to injure themselves, whereupon, they claim that they
weren’t properly warned. How many times have you passed a wet paint
sign at work only to touch the wall to verify that the paint was, indeed,
November 2005 NUTS & VOLTS 27